Well I already broke my own rule and sent T another email.
I got an invitation in the mail today for my half-sister's wedding where my dad (who also abused her) is going to walk her down the isle for her second wedding. I got tons of family stuff around that side of the family because one of my primary abusers was their best friend and even dated my half-brother at the time she was molesting me. ugggg! Anyway, I am not safe right now and I will NOT call my T even though I know he wants me to if I get bad. But I am still emotionally not right from that last email I sent to T. But I had to write because I had to tell him what was going on or I was going to be even worse because right now I am not well since talking with my mom about that family stuff. She told me new details I didn't know about.

I am not sure why I broke my rule I just made. Man... I am so messed up. I know T won't reply to my email I just sent and that will be fine. I hope he doesn't even read it because I don't want him to know how messed up I am inside. I am going through this stuff and no dissociating at all since I came back from the ocean. I wish I could vanish from myself right now!!