I'm crashing. I am NOT OKAY. But I am also NOT SUICIDAL. I promise. I am absolutely positively 100% NOT a threat to myself. So therefore I do not belong in the E.R.

But I just switched to a new psychiatrist and therapist and neither of them will give me a cell phone number that I can call them after hours or on the weekends. My only options are to leave a voice mail and they'll call me back on Monday, or call a crisis line or go to the E.R.

So what the heck am I supposed to do.

I ended up calling my previous psychiatric nurse practitioner and she gave me some advice, specifically on the medications which I was concerned about. But I'm still messed up, and in the phone call I discovered that she's actually on vacation so I really shouldn't call her. So I'm stuck.

I'm in the middle of a medication change. And a psychiatrist change. And it's not sitting well with me. We had to switch from Invega to Risperdal because I was getting free samples of Invega but my new psychiatrist doesn't get samples and it's $300 bucks a month even with insurance (yes, I've tried to get assistance, can't get it) I really thought it was working. But I think I was just fooling myself.

Then last night my husband and I had a huge fight at midnight after he got home from work. Multiple issues. And it just reminded me that all I do is bring him down with me. I need to set him free. I'm ruining him.

And I've spent all day today pretty much ruminating over how I think I'm going to get divorced. All over one stupid petty little fight. There's your black-white all-or-nothing thinking for you.

I really want to spend a day at Phoenix Place, this local psych respite place where you basically just CHILL OUT. But the problem is, they won't let me in unless I go to the E.R. first to get a psych eval. That's going to cost a crapload of money that we don't have. And my husband is working tomorrow and we'd have to figure out childcare. And then what if they don't release me and I miss work this week. Then it costs even more - I've burned all my sick pay so it would be unpaid time off.

But maybe the mere fact that I'm sane enough to know that I want in there means I'm not insane enough to need to be in there. I don't know.

I can't sleep. I took my meds, even took them early, and I can't sleep.

Everything is just messed up.