Googly said it very well.

I have always been an independent person. My mother wasn't very independent & I didn't want to be like her. Sometimes I was so independent that I pushed people away from me who could have really helped me. Maybe being an only child was the root of that? The thing was that I learned with years how important it is to be able to trust those around you & to allow them to help you through things. That was exactly the area that my marriage failed in. My husband wasn't good at much of anything & when he had to step up to be trusted & to be independent himself, he fell flat on his face & failed miserably. I kept trying to trust him & he would continually fail. Felt like I lived 33 years of running into a block wall. There is so much we need to learn as we are growing up.....what we are able to do ourselves, how independent we can be & how to identify where we need help & then who we can trust to help us. Growing up is difficult enough when we don't have problems or abuse surrounding us, when we have road blocks, it seems that those are just things that takes us longer to learn. Life is a learning process & we have to continually keep growing & realizing new things about ourselves & our lives, & then working on them with the people around us.

I think it's important to talk about this independence/trust issue with your T. It might be good to get his point of view in the situation. I have realized that our T/psychologists never see things in the way we do (shocking sometimes actually). It's always good to try to see the other point of view as it's something we also can learn from....helping us grow.

I have to say, when you posted about slapping yourself, this picture came to my mind of when I was at the ranch in California working with my horses a few years ago. This little girl (about 3 years old) who was the niece of one of the ladies who's daughter rode at the ranch, was walking along by the stalls, slapping herself in the face. First thought that came to my mind was what kind of abuse was she going through at home???? Sure enough, the aunt told me that the mother would slap the little girl for something she didn't even do & then try to make up for it by hugging her a little while later. Realizing this was the start of SI type behavior, I couldn't sit back & say nothing.....luckily, the aunt was getting help for her at that point along with trying to keep the mother away from her (not an easy task). Was very sad to see that happening.

It's important in the way of independence to also stand up for what we know is right around us & to say things when we see a problem. There is so much we need to learn as children growing up, it's surprising that any of us survive childhood without being burried under our problems. Live is complicated & it's important not to feel bad when we aren't strong in areas. All we can to is keep earning & growing & asking for help were we need it.

You have been a surviver to get this far with the issues you have had to deal with. If we can keep looking at life as a growing process as we were able to as a chld, it helps make life a little easier at times.

I know you can get through this & still keep your trust. I am sure your T had a reason for allowing what happened to happen. Sometimes when we are knocking walls down or going over hurdles, they are difficult & we struggle a lot.....but when we finally get through it, we can look back & see exactly why the thing had to happen the way they did or there might not be the progress that you really need to have happen.

Many gentle hugs & best wishes for your peace of mind