(((((acqpl)))) you said "How do you rekon that makes people who helped me feel ? Probbaly like they should have done better and blame themselves."

Actually, healthy people do not cary the blame or guilt around for the actions of others. Sure, maybe something said differently may have helped you, but the ultimate choice is really yours to make. Healthy people can support others without assuming blame or guilt if that support is not enough. So the chances are good that people here don't blame themselves at all for your freedom over yourself. No one here wants to control you. All we want to do here is be as much a support for you as we can be. But how you respond to your internal pain comes down to your freedom of choice.

So even if you didn't listen to anything anyone else said, even if you could not accept the support, it is our choice to give you that time and support. Many people here on PC care about others from a very deep place inside themselves. And that support is not conditional. You don't have to be perfect to get that support :-) You can make mistakes over and over again and we will still be here for you. And we will still care deeply for how things are going for you. And we will still offer whatever we can offer that may help ease your load a little.

Very big safe and free unconditional hugs to you!