It will pass. Just try to hang on.
I didn't take what you said negatively at all. But maybe look at it from another perspective: the people who know you best are the people you open up to who can actually relate to your experiences on a real (not analytical or cerebral) level. To me, that makes the entire statement different. It doesn't say anything in particular about you. But it does say something about all of us here--every last one of us. We are all here because we feel a sense of isolation because we cannot communicate visceral emotions like those that come from bipolar to people who are not bipolar. It's not their fault, but it's just not possible nonetheless.
I understand why it would make you feel worse if you look at it from the point of view that the people who know you best are faceless strangers online. But as with any situation you have the power (even when you feel powerless) to view it from another side of the looking glass.
Hypothetical Example 1:
My life sucks. I have no friends at all. I hate my job, I have this terrible disorder that violates my brain and I didn't give it permission to, I hate being sick, I'm not good at anything and I feel like a nobody. I'm just stuck and nothing will ever change.
Hypothetical Example 1 on the other side of the looking glass:
My life is a challenge right now and it is often a challenge and I'm fecking frustrated. I have some close friends, but it's difficult to express bipolar to them. But I do have a support group of like-minded people online who care and do intimately understand, so that's something. I'm not satisfied with my job, but I can start looking for one that suits me better, even if the stress of job searching may cause temporary distress. I can handle it and it will be worth it when I get a better job more suited to my needs. I might even make more money, so that's a bonus. I hate having bipolar, but I'm pretty much stuck with it. I'm changing meds, which is hard, so I'm going to cut myself some slack. Also, I won't forget that I have a large support group 24/7 online. I feel worthless when I get depressed, but I have worth. I am good at things, very good at some things [name them--you know they exist]. I feel like I'm invisible sometimes, like I'm nobody, but I know that it's my illness and I'm working actively on coping and I'm optimistic that things will improve. I just have to be patient, love myself as much as I can, have hope, and depend on people even when I feel I don't deserve it (because that's what depression tells me, but it's a damned liar). I feel like I'm in a rut, but I have the power to create change. Nothing in life stays the same. Change is inevitable. Good things will come to me.
I know that sounds dumb and I know I chose a crappy example, but I have to do this a lot. I get stuck in: my life sucks, I have no privacy right now, I'm broke, I miss my son, I miss my other dog, no one loves me, and in the end everyone will reject me because my bipolar is too much to handle. But instead I have to switch it around: My life is challenging but unique and often beautiful (tho admittedly often terrible, but I can get through it), I will soon have all the privacy I need in my new house and I just have to wait out three more weeks. I'm broke, but I have a loving partner who supports me and I hope for disability at some point, I'll be working on my masters in a few months and will hopefully be stable enough to teach by the time I'm done. My son and other dog will be with me in three weeks or less, people show me they love me every day and it's my liar brain that wants me to think otherwise, and the people who reject me are not the people of strength I need in my life.
See what I mean? I'm not good at coming up with the hypotheticals and I know that in dark times it's easy to poopoo these kinds of suggestions, but I think sometimes our perceptions trigger episodes and it can be a nasty circular thing. At some point you have to at least try to take hold of it and mold it. We can't always do that, but we can try.
|