Wow. You really should write a book about your experience with bipolar. You bring feelings to life with words in a way that others reading them can feel your pain and loss of control. I don't really know what to say to help you, but you touched on so many of the same feelings that I have, about wanting the dark and cold to fill me up because it's at least something real to fill my emptiness, and about feeling that one more hurt will not just cause me to go insane, but cause me to simply stop being, because I'm cracked, and the last of me will run out. You just said it all so eloquently.

I do envy you that you live at the ocean. I remember visiting the ocean and feeling euphorically manic, feeling that I was in the embrace of the Goddess. I live in a small city, and I rarely ever see nature anymore, which is much of the reason why I feel so empty. I just want to step out of this so-called life, a life of work, bills, and tv, and become one with the primal force of Earth. I yearn for the beauty of it so much that it hurts. Sometimes the beauty is so powerful that it's sad, because we can't capture it and hold it, and it just keeps slipping away from our day-to-day. And, sometimes the sad is beautiful, because at least it's real, not covered in layers of meaningless activity.

The intensity of feeling is one thing I don't think anyone can understand, unless they're bipolar. My doctor keeps wanting to put me on Abilify, which I complained made me feel flat, emotionless, and "too normal." I want to be happy, but I still want that depth of feeling I've always had, and sometimes I think even depression is better than what others call normal, but what I call a zombie. It's hard to find a med that will take away the pain but leave the intensity.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you write beautifully. Thanks for your post, and I hope you stay feeling better, and can find the right meds.