I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep thinking the "email situation" with my t is resolved, and when we talk about it, i feel better initially. But after a day or so, it just comes back again. the hurt feelings. and also the urge to pull back.

Last week, i went to therapy and was entirely in the "adult" mode. Had a productive session. But couldn't access any of my hurt emotions, or even the vulnerable or child-like part of me. I felt emotionally numb and very business like. I can't find the emotions anymore -- good or bad. I feel blocked off for protection ever since the email episode. i can't seem to open that part of me back up.

it feels like the last straw -- that i told t i like her, and why, and the fear of loving her too much and losing her. and her replying that she was too busy. i feel my heart drop every time i think of it. i feel in my gut that she must have felt uncomfortable and that's why she responded in such a terse way. now i'm afraid to tell her how i feel about her anymore. i don't want to feel attached because i don't think she likes me in return. i'm afraid it's all "put on" just because it's her job and she wants me to feel good about myself.

i don't know what to do. i don't want to be upset. My adult self understands what happened and is not holding a grudge. In fact, i don't think the child part of me is even holding a grudge. But that part of me is hunkered down and hurting, and doesn't want to go to t anymore. i know it's irrational, it's probably not reasonable. but it's how that part of me feels. how do i get rid of the hurt feelings and go back to the open trusting way i was before this last disappointment?

I've been thinking that maybe i shouldn't push the hurt part of me to come out of hiding or to be present in sessions. maybe i should just be my adult self in therapy. but if the child part of me won't show up again, i don't feel able to resolve my childhood trauma and attachment problems. i'll just be this business-like, analytical patient intellectualizing during the therapy hour.

My t and I have had misunderstandings and problems before, but they have never gone on so long without feeling resolved. It has already been 5 weeks since what happened, and we've already talked about it 3 times. I don't know of anything else to do.