There's a lot of teeshirts/sweatshirts I like like that:

I hate it when my cat thinks outside the box.

Better management through finger pointing.

Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.

Exercise your right to be lazy!

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

I'm sick of political ads and I approved this message.

The dog ate my lesson plan (for a teacher)

No one ever suspects the short ones.

Patience is a virtue but flipping someone off feels better.

My life is loosely based on a true story.

Legally Bland

All that twitters is not gold

Can't complain. . . but I still do

National Sarcasm Society
Like we need your support

A fountain of useless information

If it weren't for crazy I'd never go anywhere

I can read in the dark because I went to night school

I came, I saw, I capitulated

A star in many police chase videos

It must be tough dancing without your organ grinder

Probably don't recognize me without my cape

My garage needs me now. The least I can do is be there for it.

Reality. TV. Two reasons why I read.

If today is the present, I hope someone kept the receipt.

I'm not aging I'm fermenting.

Multitasking: The art of messing up several things at once