Just wanted to check in and to let you all know that I am going in for surgery tomorrow, July 20th. I and all within are really getting scared and anxious. Thoughts are not really good right now as we have been going through a memory and feelings of worthlessness and and nothing have been constantly pushing at us all.

I wanted to share a part of something I wrote lastnight. I know it is not positive but something I had and needed to get out. Time feels as though it is standing still and I am fighting with all I have. When you believe you are nothing to begin with and it was something that was told to you everyday, that they could make another one just like you if you did not conform to what they were doing and saying, you believe and have that within your heart Although we are working to change that it is something that haunts me/us everyday.

Today feels so empty as if I have no emotions. Tears feel gone for why are there any? No one ever cried for me. No one ever cared. No one ever knew. A little girl that hid from life itself for no one could save her from the monsters that were constant. There really were no reasons for tears because they would have never mattered anyways. Why didn't Echoes just allow me to cry, to get it over with? Death would have been much kinder than what took place.

Sometimes it feels as though death has already come. No one sees how I really feel inside, they only see what I allow them to see----what we all allow them to see. There are times I smile and can feel moments of happiness. But all too soon the feeling goes away and somehow the true worthlessness and emptiness step right back in. No one seems to understand that there never was happiness so how does one find what they never knew? And the brief moment of what we thought was happiness ended being handed over to those evil ones by the one we thought loved us. How are we supposed to understand? And hiw does one have feelings never present?

Over the last three years I have seen what I think is happiness, what I watch those loved without pain or hurt seem to be happiness, but what I cannot truly connect to as happiness. I try so hard and seem to connect for brief moments before reality of my own feelings step forward and block out any understanding or feeling that seemed to flutter by. How doesw one hold onto what they know not. Instances of what we think is love, feelings of safety, thoughts of belief before something inside reaches up blocking any love felt causing hurt to step in once again, sometimesw almost blinding and choking out what might have been.

When you lose that feeling of love to those that would have you to never feel it. When one within does not understand and any hint of arguing, raised voices, and time never changing she cannot feel any love for there never was any. She only feels that when someone is crying they are either going to be hurt or even eliminated or they are from the bad side for they can cry. She does not understand that anyone would cry for us or even have any feelings for us. Pain equals tears which in turn equalled punishment, something that was a high price to pay.

Right now my heart feels nothing, I do not feel like a person or anything. A dream no----rea yesl----and all I know is my body hurts more than anyone knows. Feeling as though I cannot be loved for there is nothing to love. No one ever hast to tell me they love me, I would not know. And if they did is that only a dream? Nothing feels real right now not even myself sitting here feeling nothing but numb and pain that shoots through our body disappearing at moments as if we are dreaming.

Sometimes wondering where I end and the others begins, never really finding myself, lost as though grains of sand. My feelings feel non-existant except an utter sadness and aloneness. Nothing feels better than any other feeling could possibly feel. Sometimes I think everyone should walk away and I should become nonexisting to anyone. My own worth is nothing, my looks are nothing, my feelings are nothing. A child was worth nothing to our world or anyone----how much more worthless do I the adult have to become before everyone knows I am nothing? That is all I feel right now----maybe always.

These feelings come after a memory that hit hard and I feel like I have been hit right between the eyes. And everything is black.

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