Hello Melinda,

2 months in a relationship is less than a honeymoon period and though you have the initial feelings of euphoria I don't think it is love just yet. And to be honest I don't think you putting yourself down and your threats to hurt yourself was pushing him away as much as punishing him for not doing what you wanted, and for hurting your feelings.

I know those things are real and are things that you do because they are part of your illness; the way that they are done and what they are used for that have just as much importance.

When you do them because you want to punish yourself for being whatever it is you perceive yourself to be, that is one thing; to do them to punish someone else is another entirely. Look at that and work out where that came from.

It is obvious (even if you can't see it), you want to be the power holder in the relationship (passive aggressive to active aggressive). Believe me there should be no such thing and you should both have a say in decisions no matter how simple those decisions are.

You are a person with just as much right to love and happiness as anyone else, but wouldn't you rather have a relationship that isn't based on pain? Where ever the fear and devastation came from that urges you to sabotage relationships, I really hope you conquer it and win. You are worthy, you are able and capable of having a long term loving, giving & receiving relationship...you just don't know how to. So it is time to learn.

Look at the very basis of what damaged other relationships, what was it? Anger? If it was anger then you need to go to the very time that the anger started and work on it. Make yourself the one in control and put the anger to rest. If that means forgiving someone you vowed never to forgive then so be it. There are lots of things you can do to make yourself ok...even if you do one thing at a time ...we are here to support you in doing that...

Good luck,

RHiannon