In May, I had this weird episode, not the first, but definitely the worst to date.
My mind felt like it was unraveling, my personality felt divided, and I was at war with my mind for days on end...

I don't know what triggered it, I don't know if there was a trigger.

All I know is, that's where I'm headed, and I'm scared out my mind...

BF took me on a long drive to help me get away last night when he popped into a shop, found myself begging my mind out loud, to "just please let me have this night, let me enjoy this,you can ruin me when I get home, just leave me alone, why must you take everything from me, why must you ruin everything?"

That's how I know it's coming, it's lurking beneath the surface, taunting me,provoking me,trying to break me completely.

I can say I won't let it, but HOW? I'm scared, I feel fragile, like ANYTHING can set it off, I can't keep running, last night was just a useless exercise in running, didn't protect me from the war in my mind...

I'm scared, and CANNOT articulate this to ANYBODY I know...I want to, I tried, but sadly I can't.

Please don't suggest hospital, red tape won't allow it. ( I have to be completely psychotic in order to be considered) and honestly, I'd feel guilty if I could go hang out there for a week or 2.

I've tried asking for time off work, but my sup thinks I'm over reacting (he knows about my dx) guess he'll just have to meet psycho me again before I get sent home again...

I hate this. I'm scared and hateful right now...I know I can't keep running, I just want it to consume me, swallow me and spit me back out, just TAKE ME ALREADY AND BE DONE WITH ME!

I'M SCARED