That looks like a great magazine Blue. I look forward to spending some time looking over the link. As for your question....

I think I was finally forced to take seriously the need to recover after extreme episodes. I don't think I learned the importance of taking it easy on myself until it was too late. I am pretty sure I will never be able to return to full function again. I neglected myself after too many crashes to bounce back this time.

For as long as I can remember I have cycled from weeks of mania to even more weeks of depression with some rapid cycling mixed in. When I was younger I bounced back. I discounted the seriousness of early diagnosis and refused to acknowledge it let alone accept treatment for it.

It wasn't until I experienced post partum that it got harder to bounce back. Then my thyroid went out of wack and then menopause hit. Other strange neurological episodes added to the complications. Through all of those I was still in denial about the bi polar diagnosis and how my life was spinning out of control.

I crashed so hard in 2003 that I had to walk away from my job as the Director of Student Services at a college I helped to develop and grow into a major success. I have yet to recover. I will never be able to return to that kind of pressure job again. I am 56 years old and but a shadow of my former self. I don't have even a fraction of the mental or physical capacities I once had. I know I can't be super human again. I can no longer fool myself with high energy determination. I don't have that kind of energy anymore even when I get manic.

I really think that I ignored my symptoms too many times. I think I hit burn out and will never fully recover. I think I can find a new path that will be satisfying and utilize my skills and talents but it will follow a path with significantly fewer stressors.

Seven years ago I finally came out of denial and took seriously the effects and challenges of the cycling moods and concurrent issues. Coming out of denial began the process of learning how to live with and manage the symptoms and to whatever extent is possible to begin the process of recovery.

Defining what recovery looks like and what it can or may look like in the future means modifying my lifestyle to accommodate the effects of BP and the other issues the BP magnifies.

I really believe that if I had taken the BP seriously when I was younger and had I received treatment earlier then perhaps my story would be different. I think I pushed it too far and now I can't go back.

Somedays I feel all doom and gloom about it. Somedays I think maybe if I do this that or the other thing that I can fully recover but as the months and years keep adding up and my capacities continue to decline rather than return I feel like I need to find a new reality. Reinvent myself to both be the best me I can be and respect the limitations my symptoms impose upon me.

I try to remain positive yet realistic. I question myself about it all the time. I don't want to reach too high but I also don't want to accept too little. I am still searching to find the balance that advances recovery and at the same time feeds my need to stretch myself.

I know the lesson. Take the time you need to recover before recovery is compromises. What I don't know is how, having missed that lesson early on, can I recover enough to find an equally fullfilling path to the one my fast paced and intensely passionate life once provided me.

Neither can I nor should I find that kind of intensity again but I do want and need to feel that passion and drive again without it compromising my health like it always did in the past.