There have been times in my therapy when I've just had to make a conscious choice to accept an apology from T and keep moving forward. Sometimes, there is just really no way for him to make something up to me...it's in the past, he's acknowledged whatever is is that hurt my feelings, he's apologized, we've talked about it. I want to be able to be connected with T and to move forward in my therapy, so I take a chance and accept his apology and forgive him. It's not always quick, or easy, but I have always managed to get to that point.

I think in the past, forgiving someone was "giving in". If I had been really hurt and hadn't been able to express my feelings and be heard, or if there was going to be a punishment for expressing my feelings, I would just give in and move on and feel, somewhere inside, weak and worthless. The difference with T is that it is okay for me to express ALL of my feelings, and he will listen, and hear them, and care for them. And once I'm heard, and he's apologized, there really is nothing to do but move on.

It IS taking a chance. I used to think "but what if I forgive him and I get hurt again?". And the thing is, I HAVE been hurt again, and I've probably hurt him at times too. And we've talked about it and learned from it and moved forward. Like my T tells me, that is how real relationships are. They're messy. Sometimes we will feel super close and intimate, sometimes we will feel disconnected, sometimes we will get hurt, sometimes we will revel in being together, sometimes we'll feel happy, sometimes we'll feel angry.

Sometimes when I hang onto a resentment towards my T, it's because I'm avoiding something else. If I'm focused on being mad at T, I don't have to focus on any of the other work of therapy.

Being in conflict with T feels terrible. I hope you are able to find your way out soon