Last night I got bored at karaoke, and tired, and I went home and dozed off, woke up to pick up my boyfriend a couple hours later at the karaoke where I left him....this girl was talking to him; apparently he had told her we WERENT dating, he said he had liked her for some time and he was going home with her. My boyfriend seemed drunk and confused about what to do, whether to go with me or her, I asked him to choose me, he didnt, he said he was just going to her house to 'jam' and play music..I said then can I come? He said yes..she screamed at and threatened me, I said I was going to call 911 and she drove away......when my boyfriend got in the car he said he did not understand jealousy, that he just wanted to play music with her, that he had tried to ask her out 5 years ago, that she didnt really like him...I asked if what WE had mattered at all, he didnt say anything. I told him to get out of the car and I left him at his house. I called him in the middle of the night crying saying his choice that he originally wanted to go home with her hurt me...all he said was "You need more confidence in yourself and to know not to read into things"

I feel let down by my attempt at relationships.....for many years all I had was sexual relationships, which satisfied my strong sex drive, yet I craved real relationships, the kind where you actually go out together. I finally found that with first with Sam in May and June then with Mark in July..I obviously have not found the right person, and I have no idea how to achieve that, how to seal the deal, and get married like everyone else is I mean I am 37 years old here. I know I am a little 'off' mentally, extremely EMOTION focused, and no one esle can relate to me, except these people who dont seem to truly care at all.....

Then my mother drove into town today to help me clean my condominium...she says she is surprised anyone wants to come over..but they do she is wrong.....she is very mean spirited and keeps questioning where everything went that was originally there, I cannot remember, there have been so many roommates....I feel like a disaster...

I HATE not working!! My job ended when school ended & it is tearing me up inside not to work, literally destroying me..believe me I have applied everywhere, and I do have 2 interviews this week......but they wouldnt begin until September..

My eyes are sore, my heart weak, I am sitting here crying in the library....

I feel like a failure, how can I be unmarried at 37, unable to work at any job that isnt with children, unable to feel any closeness with my family, just friends,,which cannot always be there for me........

I must be inflexible or something, unable to exist in this world my illness must be worse than I guessed....

Everything looks blurry now, the computer keys below, my head and heart, my life..

I am tired of putting up a front like society expects you to....why cant I just announce on Oprah, Hi Im Junerain and I am hurting real bad, cry, share my true feelings with the world??

Society is full of people who are not true..who let you down.......

I have even let myself down.......
I used to believe I was special, that I had something to offer the world...

Why is it such a cold cruel world?