Quote:
Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge
This is very insightful, Zoo.
I do both... I am the beggar, and then I get indignant and angry at myself for being one. Then anger makes me tired after a while and I am back to being a beggar. 
It's a no-win. I try not to think about it, there is no way I will be anything but a beggar with the power imbalance that is built into the process, and when I do get angry, I (like you?) am SO TIRED of hearing, good for you being angry! that's what a powerful person would do! but I know I don't have power, it's only anger at myself - which is depression.
What a house of mirrors. Here, my dear, sit by me and we will grrrr together for a while. and if you don't mind ... this too  |
geez, YES, sawe, you hit it right on the head! It's like a teeter totter, up and down, never finding that perfect balance in the middle. Ugh.
Ok, so she called me. And she was kind of pissed.
I fell asleep sitting on the couch and was having a nightmare when she called. So I was disoriented and out of it, don't even remember answering the phone. But her voice, it was harsh.
She did apologize, several times, for not returning my call. She forgot. I mean, I appreciate that, at least it was real and not some excuse about losing her phone. I just let her talk for about the first 5 minutes, I didn't say anything. By then the anger was out of her voice and it felt safe for me to speak, lol.
I told her I was sorry for leaving the message that I did.(secretly? I'm not sorry. yes, I dropped the f-bomb, but that's how I talk. T knows that. She talks that way too, around me anyway. And I'm not sorry I let her know I was angry, I think it's GOOD that I was able to tell her that. It just seemed like the thing to do, to apologize.) I told her pretty much what I said above, that I figured out it's easier to be angry. I said, if I can be angry with you, I can say "you fscked up one too many times, I'm done. I'm done" and then I don't have to keep coming there and doing the work any more. I don't have to talk about what I know we're about to talk about, and it can be all your fault.
She kind of laughed and said, I get that. I really understand that.
I said I'm just so scared, and she said, I know.
She said, if that happens again, you could call me back. And I said, I know that sounds so simple, and it's true, I could have. But it becomes this big mess in my head. I start thinking there's a reason you didn't call me back, that you don't want to talk to me, that it has something to do with what I told you. It becomes this big mixed up black mess in my head.
At the end she said, by the way, if you tried to quit, I would hunt you down. You're not gonna quit in the middle of this on my watch. We're in this thing together until the end.
so, that's that. I feel about 11100 lbs lighter. phew.
Once again, my PC friends helped me through a rough patch with my T. (And once again it was about the phone.
) What would I do without you guys? I don't know. Thank you.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said.
~Brian Andreas