estee,

Many of us here at PC have been in your place. It might help if you try to think that what you are feeling at the moment is part of the illness and it's not you.

Depression talks to us in a way, and tells us that we are bad, but that is the illness talking. Lots of us have come to terms with depression and anxiety, and we make something of our lives, even with the relapses that happen.
We become proud survivors, I know I am.

Do you have some medication sorted out and a therapist?
That would be a start, and posting here was a great help to me, not at first, but gradually it started to help.

Welcome to PC! Myzen