this isn't the first time I've been through this with my T. Partly it's my intense fear of abandonment and partly it's her not being really great at returning calls. I can KNOW that if she doesn't call me back it's not because of me, but feeling it is something else. I do think that working through this with her, time and time again, is helping me work through those abandonment issues, though. So something good comes out of it, I hope.

I don't think we'll talk about this at my next session. If she wants to, I would do it, but she doesn't ever seem to want to take very much time talking about our relationship during sessions. I think she knows, like I do, that this is a way for me to divert therapy from the path we are on. Because the path we're on is scary and painful, and if I can sidetrack us, I will. But in the end, I have to walk that path. The only way out is through. All the diversions in the world only prolong the pain.

If I want to get better, and I desperately DO want to get better, than I have to go to that place with her and trust that I will come out on the other side in one piece. I have to go to that place and go there again and again until the emotions are processed and I can finally let it go. It is so hard, and so painful. It takes my breath away. But I keep going. It's all I can do.