I am having a REALLY hard time finding my footing right now. I've been in conflict with almost everyone in my life for the past week, and since I am the common denominator, I'm sure it's me, but I'm really, truly not sure what I'm doing wrong. And I'm starting to get a feeling that the harder I try, the worse it gets. I don't know. It's hard, and I'm tired of feeling scared and stressed and sad.

And, of course, since I have therapy once a week now, I'm having to muddle through it on my own. TOTALLY on my own, since anyone I would normally reach out to (besides T) is someone I'm in some kind of conflict or disconnect with.

T has told me forever that I can leave as many voice mails and send as many e-mails as I want, and he will reply if I specifically ask him to. He's really emphasized that since we started making this transition down to once a week.

But the thing is, I've called/e-mailed a few times already this week and asked for a response once already (and he responded, and it was really helpful). Tonight I e-mailed him, and I really wanted to ask for a response. My H got SUPER angry out of the blue tonight, literally during a moment when I was feeling like we were all happy and my guard was SO down, and that is way way way triggering for me. I'm not even sure why he's mad, although we've talked a little. The whole atmosphere in the house changed from happy to stressful and scary. I e-mailed T, but I didn't ask for a reply. I know he is REALLY busy right now outside of work, and I'm afraid he won't have time to reply before my session on Thursday, and it will feel really yucky. So instead of risking it, I just didn't ask, and I feel sad.

I feel SO alone. I wish there was a way I could magically know whether or not he would reply, because I could really use some connection with him right now.

Anyhow, I guess I'm venting. So thanks for listening.