|
Ever since I can remember I always had thoughts of wanting to be the one lying in that hospital bed, on the stretcher in the back of an ambulance, or even in surgery. Here and there I did try to act on these thoughts growing up nothing to serious. Tried overdosing once which I was to scared to take way to much, I tried faking a few times, I cut myself and acted “suicidal” to get the attention I was craving.
Up until a year ago I just delt with the thoughts and didn’t act upon them except for those few occasions. Then I couldn’t take it anymore so I faked an incident was taken to the hospital. Then I became addicted I want more. I have been to the hospital by ambulance aprox. 5 times since that incident. Lost the job that I loved so dearly because of it.
I got so sick of fighting the thoughts and became so exhausted I wanted to give up. I Was sent into a deep depression with real suicide attempts that ended me in a psych facility for 1 week.(that's where i found out that my prob. was an actual disorder) The facility didn’t do much for me. They wanted to do psych testing on me and the whole 9 yards but I demanded they release me because I was about to get kicked out of school. Oh yeah did I forget to mention im going to school to become a medic to work on an ambulance. That seems to be the only thing that has ever subsided my thoughts. When im helping other people I don’t feel the need to play the sick role I feel the need to help them…
Well now im crying for help!! I want these thoughts gone!! I don’t want the thoughts of wanting to be the person on that stretcher or in the hospital!! I want to be a great medic but i don't feel this its going to be possible without help. Please help me get rid of these thoughts.
Oh yeah when I got released from the psych facility it took 4 weeks to actually see someone again.. it was an intake appointment to see what program I fit into. I didn’t get to talk to anyone.. I have to wait another month to have another intake appointment. And then they might give me a counselor to talk to. IM SO F***N FUSTRATED! I WANT HELP! Its not fair. Im someone who actually wants help to get rid of this disorder that ive had since I was a little girl and I cant get it. While others are fighting to get out of the system when they don’t want the help. i am so scared of going into deep depressive state again because i get overwhelmed with these thoughts and fighting them.
|