I am having the obsessive thoughts again and the counting and checking is increasing. Plus I am thinking seriously about drinking and dying. I am not going to, but that pull is there. That pull that sucks me in time and time again, to where I can no longer see the light. I want to ****ing drink again, get really wasted and feel good, or at least not feel at all. I know I shouldn't and that it won't help and that I would lose everything good. I know better than that. But I still feel that way and I can't stop the thoughts. I don't know why I am writing this even, no one can help me. I am all alone in here, in my mind. I just want out!