Hi Mixtress82

Here are my few rambling thoughts.

I was a lonely, abused, bullied child. Kindegarten through 11th grade (when I finally left home and school) was a nightmare. Every freaking day. One school counselor, teacher, principal after another instructed me on how to make it better--smile. Be more friendly. Don't look so glum all the time. etc. All the while turning their heads from the abuse I'm sure now they had to suspect was going on at home.

For the longest time I thought it was me. That if only I could smile. And be cheerful. Be fun and pleasant to be around. People would stop hurting me and wanting to be my friend. I'm 45 now. I still am not a smiler. I'm generally cautious, quiet, observeful (is that a word). I wear black. I wear a black leather jacket nearly 365 days a year. I like to be warm and cozy. I like my body to be covered. I get the looks and the comments. Oh, and I have unruely hair, am usually overweight, and a manly look about me. My complexion isn't good either.

I was married to a man from India with a cleft lip. A lovely man. Unfortuneately he died at age 32. He was from a totally different culture. And some of the most important things he taught me had to do with American culture. As Americans, we are programmed to be polite, to stand in "queue", to answer when spoken to, and to take stock of what other people say.

He received negative comments all the time. Together, we ALWAYS got some sort of remark when we went out. At first, I could barely stand it. It never phased him a bit. I wanted to know how he could bear it so well. Then, he taught me that there was nothing really to bear. Their words and thoughts were just that--theirs. I did not have to let them into my space. I did not have to give them the power to affect me--and that was exactly what I was doing. I had the power to make the words and looks hurt, or not. I had the power to NOT make a casual remark (they probably would forget in the next 3 minutes) into something that would take up vaulable minutes/hours/days of my life.

Easy to say, eh? Ok, so I still struggle with it, too. But I practice what to say AND THINK when there is a comment or a look. I practice often. Sometimes I practice saying nothing--just looking them in the eye and moving on. I am prepared. I've been doing it a long time now. Often it works for me. Sometimes, it doesn't.

I can't tell you to not let it bother you. I have been there--still am sometimes. But know that you aren't alone. And if it helps, you can borrow my favorite "comeback". Are you ready... "I'm rubber and you're glue..." You know the rest. Yes, I've really said that in public and it cracks me up inside every time. You should see the looks I get then!

Be blessed,
LW

(still not smiling)