I remember T saying during my first yr with her something about we don't know when "it" will happen. Thats 6yrs back now, and that stuck with me, frightened then to ask her what it meant, afraid that perhaps she meant suddenly I will just want to leave, but I think today I know what she meant.

Lately I've been getting this warm feeling inside, I've lost the compulsion to react to outside events all_of_the_time and trying to ease that soul murder feeling inside has gradually been fading, easing, and then I remembered a friend I havent' seen in a while and thought to myself I must text her see how she is, but with that came a different feeling, something new, I realised that there was no planning around this contact I was going to make, it was just a genuine in the moment thought and I asked myself what has changed? and I knew what has changed, I felt it and its been growing for the last few days, theres this new friend, and she is so warm and loving and a delight to be with and she is.....my inner self..this is what T meant 6yrs ago, this is that "it happens", that deep painful aloneness I've grown up with and lived with, that needing to fill that terrible hole up with so many things, alcohol, drugs, people, places, anger, manipulation, excitement, depression, rage, you name it, its been a manic attempt to flee my own empty self, my own self abandoment, yes i can see how my childhood created that hole, but now my focus isn't about that so much now, not now, now I've got that company inside, it really no longer matters, so long I've stared back into the abyss of my past hoping to find the answer in that, but its been with me all of the time. I can see how my desperate attempt to flee from myself has been at the crux of my adult discontentment and pain and fear. T said it would happen, I think this is better then I could have ever hoped for.

T once said just before one of her breaks "You feel I am taking something from you?" I thought, "well yeah you are, your abandoning me", I realise now what she meant, she was just taking a break and I was re-experiencing my own inner abandoment. I love having my inner world filled with the right stuff at last. Aloneness is a living death, but this feeling is really a feeling of being alive and glad to be so!