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T,
Child parts feel stuck in hurt since the email incident. I don’t know what to do. You’ve done great in talking to me about it and even apologizing for not responding differently to my message. I know you didn’t mean any harm at all. I also realize you were very busy that day. I’m not holding a grudge or even angry anymore. But even so, the hurt of small parts has not gone away. They are pretty certain now, from the email incident, that you don’t feel the same connection and attachment to them that they feel toward you, and they are having a hard time with it.
I understand from the adult side of me that maybe that’s the way it has to be in therapy: therapist objectivity, not getting overly invested in the relationship, yada yada yada. But it hurts and terrifies child parts to express attachment feelings toward you and have you react indifferently. As you know, they have had experiences before of being overly committed to a relationship and not having the feelings reciprocated and ending up really hurt. All parts of me are very scared of being the one in a relationship who is more emotionally invested. It sets me up to be hurt so easily. And being extra sensitive doesn’t help either.
So. . .I just want to run away emotionally and stay in lockdown. Not because I am mad anymore. But because as small and silly as this one email incident must seem to you, it has triggered a ton of my old crap. I guess that’s why talking about you not replying to my email hasn’t resolved it.
I know this email is inconvenient and annoying. But the alternative is to tell you in session. If I do that, I will cry. To be honest, I don’t want to be vulnerable or cry in front of you. I’m most likely going to send the adult or mask to session today. They are the ones who have the strongest emotional composition. They will be able to talk to you, to find out where to go from here. Nobody wants to quit. But child parts can’t be present right now.
We don’t need to talk about the specific email incident anymore. We don’t even need to talk about our relationship, or attachment. I know that while you want to help me, you don’t feel attached or love me like a parent. It’s a horrible, painful reality I have to learn. I have to stop wanting it. There’s nobody who could ever love child parts that way. If I could get rid of the child parts, I could get rid of the desire and need. That is why at times like this, I really wish they were not a part of me.
You don’t need to reply.
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