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Part 2 of What I Sent My T:
The issue goes farther than "just wanting a reply to an email," although that in itself is a triggery issue for me. I wanted to know that you were touched by what i said in my email. . . that you felt some connection too in the therapy relationship. . . that it wasn't all sterileness and whitewash. I needed to know that i wasn't the only one with an emotional investment in the relationship, that it meant something to her too. But when i got your terse, clinical reply, it indicated to me that she hadn't been moved at all. It was simply another email in her box that was an interruption in her day, like an item on a "to do" list. It make me feel very shamed and small, and very angry at myself for having come to think that the relationship was any more meaningful than just an hour-long collaborative endeavor.
My feelings are hurt now, and i'm afraid to "put myself out there" ever again by expressing any kind of attachment feelings toward you. The thing is, you’ve said you’re sorry, and i should be able to let it go. But the hurt is still there and i can't get rid of it. i guess it has reminded me of other times in my life when i've really risked my neck and swallowed my pride to openly tell somebody how much i care about them and have been used, taken advantage of, or simply flung aside. I know you weren’t trying to do that. But that's how it felt and still feels to the little girl part of me inside. Like you don’t want her attachment feelings, or to have any attachment with her. And then there's the little voice inside saying, "See? I told you not to get attached. I told you that you would just get hurt again. You're just a time slot in her day, a "3 O'clock," not even a person. Once you leave her office, she doesn't want anything to do with you. Your messages are just a nuisance, like you are."
Maybe you will think this all is very stupid, and that you have told me you care, and I should know that!! But everything changes, and nothing stays the same. If you like me today, you might not like me tomorrow or the next day. You could change your mind any minute. So when I tell you I feel attached and you don’t respond, I think you have changed your mind, and you don’t like me anymore. I need you to keep telling me because I can’t hang onto anything for sure, and people have lied before, and I can’t believe in anything.
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