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Jul 21, 2010, 03:59 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Posts: 3,845
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I had my session today, and I’m feeling quite a bit better about R. She disclosed to me a couple of things about herself that helped me understand what happened with the email. She said that I was right, that she did act somewhat insensitively and avoidantly when I sent her that email. But she said that my interpretation of why she did it was wrong. She said it was not because what I said in my email bothered her, or because she didn’t want me to feel attached, or that she didn’t feel attached in return.
What she told me was that just as I have parts to me, so does she, and everyone does. Well, there is a part of her that is somewhat uncomfortable about expressing her feelings. She said that her mom, while she was a loving mother, was not affectionate, so that is perhaps why she is this way. She told me also that, while she has not had the kind of hurts I have had through inconsistent mothering, she has experienced the kind of rejection before that is common to others. And that because of this, she doesn’t like allowing herself to be vulnerable, just as I don’t. So perhaps we are alike in that way. She also mentioned to me that others have told her that she is hard to get to know. So she has a reserved side.
She told me that the day I emailed, I came up against a part of her I didn’t like, and that if I didn’t like it, then perhaps others don’t like it either. And it is something I have brought to her attention about herself that she wasn’t aware of – her dismissive/avoidant of feelings side. She said now that I’ve made her aware of this part of herself, she can work on better ways to respond in situations like that.
I know that many t’s hesitate to self-disclose, but in my case, this really helped me understand what was going on. When she responded dismissively to my attachment feelings in my email, it shocked and hurt me because I thought “What is going on?! This is NOT the caring t I know!” I thought that maybe she didn’t like me anymore and that she wanted to push me away. I also knew (through intuition? Through a gut feeling?) that her response was *not* just about being busy. I *knew* there was more to it, although I can’t say how I knew.
Until she told me where she was coming from, and why she acted that way, I felt confused and rejected and hurt. Now I know it wasn’t about me. It was about her.
I didn’t say anything wrong. She wasn’t trying to discourage my attachment. She just feels a bit uncomfortable when it comes to expressing her feelings and did not know how to respond to a message like the one I sent!
A couple of weeks ago, when I was angry about her “I’m too busy” response, I asked her if the reason she blew me off was because she thought “Oh, it’s no biggie. I get these kinds of emails all the time. All my clients love me. Nothing new there.” She told me No, she does not get those kinds of emails from her other clients. Maybe my extra sensitivity and intense emotions blindside her a bit at times??  I’ve no doubt I’m a challenge to her.
So that’s the story.
We talked also about the need to have internal resources to help hurt inner parts find some relief, especially when I feel hurt or distanced from her. So I am trying to protect my little parts and keep them safe, while encouraging them that it’s OK to “come back out” in sessions and keep sharing their feelings with t. I’m also reminding them that along with me, God is also with them, so they are never completely alone.
I'm trying so hard to be a sort of "good mother" to my small parts, so i am not so dependent on t. But it does not bring me the relief i get from t. I guess i need to just keep working at it.
THANK YOU SOOOOO, SOOOOO MUCH FOR BEING THERE FOR ME, ALL YOU WONDERFUL FOLKS AT PC!!!
I think things are finally getting back on track again.
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