I don't know if any therapy can help me. I didn't feel the intensity or really good feelings so I felt terrible when I left. All I want from therapy is to "feel good" with my T, but she wants me to get those good feelings from others in RL. I know that's what I need to do, but I told her that's not going to happen.

Talking about the sexual issue wasn't so productive. It wasn't any big deal, so after my whole thread about it, the session seemed like a letdown. I don't even remember what she said about it! I did mention something from the past and she wants to use it for next session's EMDR subject, something that may shed a light on why I react the way I do. I'm just not so optimistic about feeling better, though.

She's going away the week after next and I asked if she'd answer my email when she's away. She said "no." She told me where she's going when I asked her.

I emailed her about how bad I felt and she answered me right away! She said I should try to take the vulnerable parts "to the beach to play" like we have done in the session, that's it not "pretend" and it can really help.

I told her that she is "shattering my dreams" like all my Ts do, and that maybe I just wouldn't come back, and that I hate therapy, but I don't want her to go away. She said she isn't perfect and that she is going to disappoint me, and that I know she already has. She really thinks EMDR will help but keeps saying "it will take time." But I cannot tolerate the feelings of wanting more from her than she can give me, and of wanting to feel so connected at each session. If it doesn't happen, I feel devastated.

I like listening to her voice when we do the EMDR and IFS. When I look at her, I just don't like her as much. Or at least that's how it was today. I am so weird. It's like I'm "falling in love" with her voice, but when I see her, she seems like someone else. We are going to try the EMDR with me following her fingers, if I can do it that way; otherwise, back to the buzzers and headphones.