I understand that medications work for some people, but not for me. I absolutely, unequivocally, refuse to take medication ever again. I spent nearly 10 years trying med after med and it did nothing. At all. My problems aren't going to be solved with a tablet, they need to be solved with proper friends and a job, so that I don't keep this life long feeling of rejection and not being good enough. Since my initial breakdown 4 months ago, I came to the realisation of a lot of things, and one of those is that the reason I feel so down and flip out so much is the continual feeling of not being good enough as a person, not having a life that makes me look like I've achieved anything.

My family is one of generational abusers/abusees, the majority of them band together to defend the others who have done wrong and make excuses for them. They all drink, I am the only person in my family who does not drink.
I grew up being brushed off for people who are bad, my mother chose to live in a car doing heroin with her abusive, compulsive lying, addict boyfriend then her own child. That's the kind of continual rejection I grew up with. That these people who do drugs and alcohol and/or abused where better than me. That people who go out and party and get wasted and go smoke some cones are more fun to be around than me. That people who are willing to go have sex are more likable than me. That people who are younger and have less experience or knowledge deserve the job more than me.

That's why I'm down, that's why I've been hiding from people for 4 months. Medication isn't going to solve the issue, it's feeling more wanted and having a life that will make me feel better. I told a friend the other day and he invited me to join him and his friends who catch up once or twice a month to watch movies, go out, etc.. It is what I wanted, to have someone invite me out, but now I feel as though I've only been invited because of pity, so I'm feeling insecure about it. It's almost like my mind is manipulating itself, I guess that's something that happens to people who've been mentally abused? That whole 'you're not really welcome, they don't really want you around, it's only because you complained about being lonely'.
I'm so used to the rejection and so used to being alone (the other day was the first time I saw a single friend in 2 months) I just can't imagine that someone actually wants to see me, there must be some sort of catch, they have to be lying.
I need more people to want me around before I ever start to feel it, you know?