((((((((((((Chris))))))))))))

You seem to like bluntness and honesty, so I am going to be blunt and honest!

From the OUTSIDE, I wonder if you are letting yourself be a bit of a martyr? Putting everyone's needs before your own while you slide slowly downhill?

I remember that last time you went to the hospital, you didn't let yourself go for quite a while - because your family needed you, your students needed you. But you finally went, and when you came back, it seemed like you had got just what you needed. You had regrouped, and you were ready to REALLY be there for your family and your students.

Believe me, I absolutely understand about wondering if it's okay to take time for myself because people need me. When T wanted me to go to the hospital a couple of years ago, I didn't go because I was scared of my husband's anger. I'm in a 12-step program, and it is hard for me to find the inner resolve to fight whatever battles I have to fight (with H and with myself) to go to the meetings. When I decided it wasn't worth it to fight those battles, I ended up relapsing. Now I try to remember that sometimes it is RIGHT to put my needs first, and taking care of my sobriety is one of those times.

It sounds like your T believes you will end up in the hospital sooner or later. What if you tell your kids and your H, "I want to be able to be here for you, and in order to do that, I have to take care of myself". You may be physically with them right now, but if you are slipping away into depression, how much are you *really* there?

Here is another way of looking at it. Your kids need you, yes. And part of what kids need are healthy examples of how to live life as an adult. When your kids are adults, if they are suffering from depression and their T recommends hospitalization, what would you want them to do? My guess is you would want them to value themselves enough to take care of themselves the way they deserve to be taken care of. What if you set an example of valuing YOURSELF enough to take care of yourself?

I'm sorry it's so hard right now, and believe me, I KNOW that this is all WAY easier said than done. Toss this post out if you need to, and just accept these ...but do know that you are WORTH getting whatever help you need.