Quote:
Originally Posted by Evening
That's the kind of continual rejection I grew up with. That these people who do drugs and alcohol and/or abused where better than me. That people who go out and party and get wasted and go smoke some cones are more fun to be around than me. That people who are willing to go have sex are more likable than me. That people who are younger and have less experience or knowledge deserve the job more than me.
That's why I'm down, that's why I've been hiding from people for 4 months. Medication isn't going to solve the issue, it's feeling more wanted and having a life that will make me feel better. I told a friend the other day and he invited me to join him and his friends who catch up once or twice a month to watch movies, go out, etc.. It is what I wanted, to have someone invite me out, but now I feel as though I've only been invited because of pity, so I'm feeling insecure about it. It's almost like my mind is manipulating itself, I guess that's something that happens to people who've been mentally abused? That whole 'you're not really welcome, they don't really want you around, it's only because you complained about being lonely'.
I'm so used to the rejection and so used to being alone (the other day was the first time I saw a single friend in 2 months) I just can't imagine that someone actually wants to see me, there must be some sort of catch, they have to be lying.
I need more people to want me around before I ever start to feel it, you know?
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Evening there is a lot of confusion here, I really feel for you. First up you need to get to a headspace where you are not bombarded with all of these thoughts. Some medications do help to create a level playing field. But if you have decided you don't want them that is your choice and you are entitled to make it and I support you in that (I just know that I would not be here if it weren't for a med I found recently). But you can't have tried all meds, there are just too many of them. But it must be horrific for you.
When I read your post concerning your mother I saw someone who is an addict, drugs and alcohol addicted and not in any condition to bring up a child. I wonder if you were supporting an addict on PC would you handle that? What your mother did was wrong, very wrong, but you said your family were generational abused and abusers...imagine your mother at that same age..what was her life like? Did she have a good example to model her mothering on?
You want to be loved and adored (as we all do), but you don't trust people to do so; you also don't trust yourself to be lovable...you seem to be caught in the same blame pattern that you say your whole family is caught in and that needs therapy and a level playingfield to deal with and come to terms with. You are more than worthy of deep love and one day someone will come along who will prove that love to you; whether it is a friend, a pseudo parental figure or a lover I hope it is happy for you.
Finally I just want you to know that I am here to support you if I can
Rhiannon