Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon
Evening there is a lot of confusion here. First up you need to get to a headspace where you are not bombarded with all of these thoughts. Whether you like it or not some medications do help to create a level playing field. But if you have decided you don't want them that is your choice and you are entitled to make it. But you can't have tried all meds, there are just too many of them.
Secondly When I read your post concerning your mother I see someone who is an addict, drugs and alcohol addicted and not in any condition to bring up a child. I wonder if you were supporting an addict on PC how you would handle that? What your mother did was wrong, very wrong, but you said your family were generational abused and abusers...imagine your mother at that same age..what was her life like? Did she have a good example to model her mothering on?
You want to be loved and adored (as we all do), but you don't trust people to do so; you also don't trust yourself to be lovable...you seem to be caught in the same blame pattern that you say your whole family is caught in and that needs therapy and a level playingfield to deal with and come to terms with.
Finally I just want you to know that I am here to support you if I can
Rhiannon |
I don't deny for even a single moment that medication can help a lot of people, it is not for everyone though and I am one of those people. I'd like to leave the medication topic at that if that's fine because I am very firm set with my decision, and I have gone further in my recovery in the last 3 years without medication than I had on the 9 years I was on it. I'm happy for anyone that medication has helped, but it did not help me and I am not going though that process again.
As for my mother, she has been an alcoholic since she was 15 years old, she was abused, and the generational abuse comes from my grandfather being a drunk and having a violent temper, and my grandmother keeping her mouth shut. That is why I am the only female in our family who has not been in an abusive relationship, because I'm too terrified to trust anyone enough to be in a relationship at all.
My mother had me at 19, she has broken and fractured 7 bones including her nose- something she doesn't even remember doing, she's woken up in lying in someone's front yard, she's forgotten birthdays, she's bought alcohol for my cousin who was 15 at the time (she doesn't remember doing that), she bumped the kitchen table so hard once while she was staggering around drunk that she knocked one of the fish out of the fish bowl and I found it dead on the floor weeks later, she had sex with a guy in front of me when I was 3 years old, she was involved in a drug ring when I was 13, she went into detox when I was 19 and relapsed 5 hours after she got out, then she nearly committed suicide and wrote me a note which she gave to me. I still have it 3 years later, it's just a drunken ramble that barely makes sense. Nice to know that could have been her last words to me. She went into rehab a few months later and has done well since she left, she did relapse but she's actually trying now. My family is barely supportive of her and happily drink like the schutzenfest in front of her, she can't even go to things like Christmas or parties. Neither of us have been to Christmas with my family in a few years. She is 42 now and living in Salvation Army homing.
My mother neglected me because of her addiction, some people thought I was anorexic. She spent more money on food than alcohol. And when I moved into my own home at 17 my cousin moved in with her and was more welcome than me, he was 16 and selling drugs to her, and she said if I wanted to come back I had to sleep on the couch because he had my room now. She didn't want me around, if I came over she'd unlock the door and walk back to the living room without opening the door for me. If I came to pack more of my belongings I wasn't allowed to call my room 'MY' room. So she didn't want me. Maybe if I had drugs to sell her or alcohol to drink with her (she tried to convince me to drink quite often even though I never have) then she would have accepted me.
So I called my grandma a lot, almost every day, until my grandfather told me to stop calling all the time. So again I felt rejected. My neighbour didn't like me because I was 17 and OBVIOUSLY was up to no good. Unwanted again. I did live with my auntie while my mother was living in a car with her boyfriend, but then when my mother went to my grandparents my auntie did something that she knew would upset me and make me go back with my mother, even though she knew full well who else was going to be around. So unwanted there too.
My other auntie was so worried about my mothers boyfriend that my cousins were NEVER, EVER, allowed to step foot through the front door of our home. E-V-E-R. Even when he was in jail. But she left me there, that of course was fine.
There was also school, people didn't like me there either. That's a story for another time. But even now I'm lucky to see a friend once every 2 months.
So it's not so easy to just get over that, I can't easily convince myself that people like me or that my existence is exactly welcome. People can say to me that I am a wanted or needed or valuable person, it's one thing to say it, it's another to show it. I've had many a friend tell me they care and will be there, then they vanish.
There is a member on PC actually who is struggling with substances and I have been trying to support them as best I can. But I am not foolish to addiction, in the end I can do nothing but give support. In general life though my empathy for other people's problems in diminishing. Maybe I'm turning into a narcissist, maybe I just can't keep trying to care for others when I am still trying to support myself.
I don't trust people very easily no, I understand I can frustrate people with the fact I take a stance on what I think. But I haven't had anyone I can trust. When you've ended up with nothing but the clothes on your back and no bed to sleep on, covered in fleas while you sleep and eating dry cereal because you can't afford a litre of milk, then you're going to lose your trust of people. I can't deny that I can be very shady with people, and that I do need to meet some better people to gain that trust back.