Quote:
Originally Posted by zooropa
I have found myself really missing T today. This isn't really anything new.  I think we were pretty connected when we last spoke on Tues afternoon, and I miss that. It's so hard for me to hold onto that connection, though. It's like I need almost constant reassurance that nothing has changed, that she feels the same, that we are still ok.
I guess I'm just frustrated with this stage my recovery. I want to not need T so much. I want to not think about her so much. I want to feel ok without having to touch base with her to make sure I'm okay.
At times like this I sometimes find myself fantasizing about creating a reason to call her. Not that I would DO it, but I sometimes imagine making up a whole scenario just so I could have a reason to be upset and call her. Somehow I don't feel like just wanting to call, just wanting to touch base, is good enough reason.
I also feel compelled to google her or something. I noticed that urge in myself just a few minutes ago, and it stopped me short. Why did I feel like I wanted to google her (again)? I think just to know she's out there. Just to, again, feel that connection.
Maybe I just want to know that other people have these kinds of thoughts, and hopefully even hear that it is a phase and it will pass. |
Theres a part of some of us that come into therapy that need to learn anew what it is to have someone that we can count on, to feel what it feels like to have someone that has and does care about us, who we are, and no matter how old our body, its our mind that knows where to start to begin to learn this adn for some like myself it takes having to obsess about someone because I was at first unable to take for granted they were there even when not physically there and constantly thinking about them is a stage before internalisation, we have to think about something to make it "ours", and the wanting to be comforted and picked up feels at first like an urgent need to just contact them, and thats good and health,y it means we trust that person to be the one that will "Hold" us, soothe that crying part within. Its the first steps to trusting someone and knowing that someone will hear us, and being able to keep hold of that person is good, not a bad thing, if we forgot appointments or never thought about T between sessions, well, it wouldnt be such a good "holding", its because we know there safe and trustworthy that we can think and feel all these things about them, and though all these feelings make us feel like the "thief in the night", we're not, its all as it should be, considering where we have been.