Thank you all for the support yesterday! That was one of the hardest days of this trauma healing work. Woke up feeling much better about all that non-sense at least!

But last night I had a nightmare last night that I was trying to see T and I was next in line but other people kept being called in before I was. Then when I was the only one left, he said he had to do something and would be right with me and he shut the door. I waited and waited but he didn't come out. Then some other doc was leaving and opened the door to tell him something and he was there on his computer doing emails and watching a movie. He had totally forgot I was there waiting on him and then when I tried to tell him I was still there, I was invisible to him :-(

Oh well. It was only a dream at least! But it made me feel different inside again... I don't know how a dream can make you change your feelings like this when it didn't happen in real life. But I have done so much work on being able to actually TRUST my T. And he was there for me yesterday when I needed him yet again. He sent me an email in the AM that I read a ton of times just to make it through work. Every single time I had the bad urge to get up and leave work in my car to go carry out my "X-Plan" , I read that email and it grounded me and let me make it through the dark spell. One ride I never want to go on again was that one from yesterday!!

Now my body is chemically numb on the inside I think due to those events, so I am totally exhausted. Got to work today but I will be just fine since I don't have the energy to even consider other options at this point. So that works for me. And once again I made it through a huge battle without dissociating into an alter!!

Still did not like that dream though. Maybe my mind trying to protect me against trusting too much? This whole dang trust biz is turning out to be about as hard as the actual trauma work was! Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?