Now I really regret opening this can of worms. It has stirred up too many old feelings that I am not comfortable having. He did not reply and now I am pretty certain he won't. I am angry with myself for walking into another kick in the head. I am so stupid sometimes I can't believe myself. I can't believe how something nearly 20 years passed can have such an impact on me. I am so angry with myself for opening this door and lining up all these triggers that are setting to go off I could spit!

I foolishly read all the old letters. What a assinine thing for me to do. I am not nearly stable enough to cope with the emotions it stirred up. My goodness what a masicist (sp?) I am. I should know better by now not to take such risks or set myself up for such emotional confusion.

I am trying to stop myself from thinking about it or allowing the anger to get out of control but its not easy. I think I need to finally destroyed those letters. I wish now that I had never found them again.

Sorry for the rant but I need to bring some closer to this now somehow. arrrgg!! I can't believe I let myself fall into this silly trap. I was better off when I thought I couldn't feel these things again. Truly I was. Will find my way back there again asap. I don't like how I am feeling right now. Too much on top of other things going on. Give me back my familiar solitude!! geesh!