His facebook privacy setting prevent me from seeing much. I would have to befriend him to see more. The email address on his profile is inactive. Suggests he isn't very active on facebook. Sending a friend request seems too pushing with the email still hanging.

It could be any number of reasons why I haven't heard from him I guess. He could be married. He could be on vacation. A significant other could have found it first and deleted it. He could be thinking about how to reply or whether to reply. He doesn't remember me.

What matters more is how it is throwing me off balance. How it is triggering obsessively thinking about it. How it stirs up my warped thinking about relationships and my capacity to be vulnerable. How the letters stirred up so many old emotions. How reading the letters exposed my symptoms back then when I was so comfortably in denial. How many bad choices I made back then that caused my symptoms to get worse.

How my mind is racing with what if thoughts that have me consumed with regrets. How much anger is boiling beneath the surface. Anger at me, anger at him.... then and now. Anger about how hard I am having to work right now to keep things from spinning further out of control. Angry that I brought this on myself.

I will be okay. I keep telling myself that. I have been countering the reactions all night with moderate success. I think I am aware of what is going on so that gives me some capacity to settle myself down. I just wish I hadn't put myself in this position in the first place now. I am not stable enough to feel these things. I can't deal well enough with the consequences of this kind of uncertainty.

I guess that is what I am most angry about. Nothing is simple or harmless for me. Babying myself is getting really old.

I will try to use this anger to my advantage. It might help me let it all go and move on before any further havoc is created.