I'm not marrying anyone just because they're there. I have said I'm putting relationships on hold...

This guy wasn't the first guy to show me more respect than my ex. A few guys have shown me more respect than he did, even while we were still together. I actually made sure that I didn't go for a rebound love or anything, unlike my ex. I'm enjoying being single in some ways, just finding it hard in other ways but I know I can stand on my own two feet because I already am.

I did reel my energy in and slow down, then I felt able to tell him calmly. I felt it was the best thing to do and knowing it was probably just a phase, I guessed it'd help me out of it and it did, but I do still have those feelings lingering.

There is NO way I'm getting married until I know for sure it's what is right. Nuh uh. I'll never make that mistake.

Today, in fact, proved to me how much stronger and more confident I've got since the break up. It has put me on a high and I'm just trying to hold onto it with everything I've got because today, I ignored the one person who caused my life to be total hell during my childhood. My Adoptive Mother. I pulled my head up, widened my smile and carried on walking confidently. Her response? I flick of the head and quiet 'hmph!' because she doesn't scare me or get to me anymore. Usually I'd have been weak and stared at her and said hi, tried to make a conversation, tried getting her to love me and want me, accept me etc.

But I don't want that. I want new people in my life who love me for who I am and be a friend because they want ME, not what I have or not because they think I'll take their s**t. I used to just sit and take what people gave me, all the abuse and such. not anymore. Anyone says anything and I'll ignore them, not let it get to me and show that it's not getting to me. Anyone hits me, I fight back. And not in the sense of hitting them back. I use the combat skills I learned when I got myself into combat classes and self defence. I'm a sucker for being pushed around, people seem to get a vibe that it's easy to push me around. But I don't think they'll mess with me when they see that I can just as easily grab their arm and put it back where it belongs.

I'm not desperate to be loved, or to love someone... I need to learn to love me first and these achievements are getting me there. Just sometimes I need a bit of a shove in the right direction. I'm happy with the way my life is going now. It's getting back on track slowly. I just want that right person to share it with and I know exactly what that person has to entail.