Thank you everyone for your continued encouragement. I suppose it's now quite apparent that I become discouraged easily...

I've only recently began seeing my T and Pdoc and they're having a tough time nailing down a diagnosis and finding medication that work. I don't know if my medications aren't working or if I haven't given them enough time to take effect. I'm having a hard time being patient. Each moment of darkness is another moment of my life wasted, an irretrievable piece of time thrown away into this bottomless pit of isolation...

Right now I have a supply of clonazepam for panic attacks I have on a daily basis... even without doing anything "triggering," I am afraid even in my own house...

It just makes me so sad that, for all this time, my family assumed that I was being rude and ungrateful--even when I've told my parents my fears, they think I am only joking at times: "Why are you scared? It's not like there's a boogieman waiting for you outside!" But what's even sadder is that I would rather let my parents believe that I am a melodramatic, selfish, lazy, terrible daughter than for them to patronize and poke fun at my innermost self.

Maybe I don't belong anywhere and should just be alone.

But, sanityseeker, I will try my best not to sell myself short: when I step out onto the sidewalk, instead of reproaching myself for being afraid in the first place and for being useless, I will try my best to celebrate my achievement... Thank you for providing me with a little bit of hope to look forward to...