sanity, i don't think the problem is so much that you contacted this old flame but how ruthlessly you are beating yourself up about it. seriously, that is some world-class self abuse going on. i think working a bit on your self-talk would make a huge difference in your life. another thing to consider is that stabilizing our emotions is not the same thing as repressing them. i think it is possible you are trying to deaden yours and thinking that is stabilizing them. you're not too old for love. why would you be? we only age on the outside not on the inside. just because your ex-h wasn't able to cope with your illness doesn't mean that all future partners would react that way. please be gentle with yourself, okay?