I'm sorry Lauru you are having these feelings. It is part of being bp. I know that doesn't help, but keep in mind that this too shall pass. I know the feeling and was there not that long ago. It sounds like your will is strong. Keep your chin up and believe it will get better. Have you talked to your doctor about still having these episodes? You might need a med change. Wish I could hold your hand and help you through this. Wishing better days for you.