I hate the nighttime. Last night going to bed my therapy thoughts and pains hit me full force again. Even knowing how good my T is for me, there is something so deep that trembles when I think about the sessions - my fear. It is so hard deep down to do this and to trust.

Last night I kept hearing over and over and over my T say he didn't get the chance to read my emails I sent him before Wed. It was several - I admit. And he already has it worked out with me that I can email all I want and he will respond if it is right for him to do so. That is fine and has really helped me heal up and be safe when the trauma stuff is going on.

But that comment just playing over and over and over etched into me... like I wonder now if I just send too much to him because I know he will not read them (or hope he won't) and I can feel like I told him but without telling him. Like I want to sneak very important things into him under the wire... ??? If I think he will not even read it, then I feel safer like he won't even realize what I am saying but I will feel better because I said it. Yet it hurts on a deep level because I feel like I want him to want to figure out what my real secrets are that I can't face. But it feels like he really doesn't want to know those or he would work to find them.

This makes no sense at all.... urrrrr.... my post doesn't make sense and my logic doesn't make sense. I just don't know why I am like that. It is not playing games with him. There is a very deep reason I am doing it this way... I just don't know what that reason is or the root.

Maybe knowing he isn't able to go that far into my secret soul keeps me safe somehow. I feel often my soul is like a thick wooded maze that is designed to keep out people and confuse them. The more I talk, the less I say and the more confused the issue becomes. Then they won't know what is really going on or why. And even though I want them to help me, I am terrified of that help. It is almost like they have to prove themselves to me - and so far no one has ever made it through the maze.

ummmmmmm

OR.... now that I think more about this ---- I remember that same feeling with my parents. I remember needing to tell them about the bad stuff that happened to me at school or walking home but I knew they would respond oddly or with punishment to me or whatever.... all the bad stuff... that it was MY fault for all the stuff. So I remember learning very early on how to tell what happened in the day but with hiding it inside other stuff - other parts of the day. Slipping it into the conversation without risking the fallout. wow. Ok MASSIVE insight !! OMG! I think I should share this with T but it kinda blows my whole way of DOING communication wide open!!! He will know for sure what I am doing - uhhhh not that he doesn't already and is waiting for me to figure it out for myself maybe? hum... sneaky Ts... or if he don't know then I am even exposed that much further.

Dudes... this is tripping me the heck out right now.