So I think one of my major problems that rukes my life is my relationships with my parents. My parents divorced when I was 14. First I guess I should start with how I grew up. My dad ruled with a belt and beat all of us, he firmly believed that we didnt need friends, and he was my best friend even though I felt like I could only talk to him for some things. My mother at this time was also abused and worked all the time. If she wasnt working she was sleeping or doing things my dad told her to do. Once the divorced, with I truly believe was the best thing that happened in my life, my mom partied alot and my dad went out on the road to be a trucker. So I moved out of my moms and moved in with my grandma and had a wonderful relationship with my dad. But then my mom called my alot and made me feel very guilty about leaving her and moving with my dad. So I moved back with her but in turn made my father very unhappy. Since then my dad barely talks to me, rarely comes into town and has told me he isnt proud of me, thinks im a horrible mother and Ive totally screwed up my life. I try to talk to him but he just gives a one word answer to general questions and I'm honestly I am very afraid of him so I dont push any conversation with him. My mother is in my life but creates havoc at every turn. I dont have any friends, other than my husband, so I feel like I have no one to talk to. So I try to talk to her when something frustrates me but everytime I do she creates havoc. And everytime I vow that I will not go to her with my problems but then I just do it again. I dont make friends easily because I am really shy and once I do make a friend I have a hard time keeping up with them. In addition to those problems I still let them rule my life. I constantly think what would my mom or dad think about what I say, do, or act. And if I do make my own decision I usually lie to, mostly, my mom about it because lying is easier than dealing with her lectures about what I should and shouldnt be doing. I feel guilty about not doing what she says because she helps me alot financially and with my children but I suffer emotionally for it.

How do I get out of these viscious cycles? I want to be able to do things that I want to and still accept the help she gives me without feeling guilty? How do I just accept that my dad and I dont have a relationship without feeling like a complete failure?

These things majorly affect my life and the life of my husband and kids. I just want to get past them and be able to happily live my life.

Any suggestions are very much appreciated. Thanks for listening.