Elana, I am glad that helped you. It was a hard lesson to learn. But it really changed my life once I started trying to be aware of it when things were going on.
I happened at the time to be in a relationship with the woman who had abused me when I was only 11. So there were other issues there that I didn't realize. But she tended to be a control freak. She was poisonous for me but at the time I didn't know how to get away from the situation. When my college T was telling me that I was not responsible for her emotions, I didn't even know where to begin with all that. I had always taken responsibility for the emotions of my parents and others. I thought that if they were having a bad day, that it was my fault. This "lady" was daily thriving on the fact that she could pass off all her blame onto me when she was disapointed or upset about whatever. And there I was just gobbling it down day after day!

When I first stared to stand up for myself and not accept her plate of guilt she was feeding me, she was livid! My counselor told me that abusers were like that when they saw their victim learning how to defend themselves. He told me that a healthy relationship is one where both parties respect and allow the emotions of the other without trying to control the other person. So I started telling her "You have every right to feel the way you do. But I need to do this for me. I do not have any feeling of guilt for my choice." My T actually had me reherse this response with him over and over. The first time I told her this, she went through the roof. Then she would just be mad at me. I had to intentionally pretend to not be upset or impacted in any way while she was having her fits. I would just calmly state it again. It took a while before she figured out that I was not going to cave in. But when she "got it" she left me alone and no longer tried to feed me that guilt. By that time, I also no longer had to pretend that I didn't feel the guilt because I had started believing what I was saying as well. And that was freedom.

In my current relationship, I just state the same thing but in a gentle way. My S/O is not like the abuser, so she respects my point. She may be upset that she is not getting her way. But she moves through it. And she knows I will do the same thing for her. She can do things that will take care of herself and I am free to feel disapointment if it is there. And then we both move through the event in a healthy way. Very nice.