I am really struggling tonight

I am so anxious about my session tomorrow. When I am anxious about therapy, I ALWAYS reach out to T, usually just to send an e-mail about what's going on.

I don't feel like I can reach out to him for help, because he doesn't know what I did yet. So asking him for help - even asking him to read an e-mail - feels so WRONG. Like, he will be reading it, feeling concerned, thinking about it, whatever...and then he'll find out what it's about and he'll realize he wasted that mental energy on me. It feels almost like stealing his caring.

This has brought up a LOT for me - a lot of fears, a lot of realizations about my feelings about T, a lot of realizations about things in my life that I'm not happy about. I am very very careful to not let myself think about - or admit - that there are certain things in my life that are not okay with me. Somehow, this has brought all of those things to the forefront.

I am SO sad and SO scared. My arms feel like jelly typing this.