Dear Michelle,
I am so sorry you are experiencing dark events and dark feelings of hopelessness. I, too, have experienced the insanity of helplessness. It took me years to reach out and get the help I needed. I'd either scare people off with my desperation or hold back out of fear they would exploit me. My abusers had taught me they were not to be trusted; but the emotional abandonment left too much of a void. I did not know how to attach in a healthy way, so would isolate myself in the dark cave of depression. I cried every day for years and years.

Eventually I got tired of my limited "tools." I reached out. Some "heard me" and some did not. I was an adult, but was naive, more like a child in my emotional development; but eventually "got" the message that not every one is a recovery partner. The rejection fired me up at times and made me reach out again, and again, because with each rejection, I began to know more about what I wanted and needed and kept knocking on doors until I found what "clicked." Like finding one bread crumb on the trail, then another, and another. Then the gift came: the awareness that the journey of wellness gives back hope and creates better connections that what the abuser offers (control, negative bashing, fear, condemnation, guilt, loss of dignity)

I had to accept my limitations. I could not fix my situation alone. I needed help. That was very hard for me. But the mindset change in direction changed my life for the better. I no longer wake up wanting to die. I no longer plan suicide attempts. I am happier than I've ever been. It's taken several support groups to guide me to the place I am now. I also take an antidepressant, see a psychiatrist, and a cognitive therapist. My husband and children are reaping the improved results. But it comes with trade-offs.

I am under doctor's orders to not see my mother who was one of the abuser. She is a trigger that makes my brain go into a stress storm, and then my body crashes. I no longer make myself be around people who, literally make me sick.

There is a whole community of healthy, caring people in the mental health profession who know how to guide you to better places. There is already a community of "invisible" people waiting to meet you. Just put your seat belt on and go for the ride of your life! You are worth it, Michelle!