My Support Forums - View Single Post - Repeating why do we have to repeat in irl

anderson · Jul 26, 2010, 11:14 AM

Another late night crying over all the things that we have no control over. It has become a habit for us to write things down at night it helps us to let go of the helpless feelings. For so long we have been hurt by the dark souls in our lives just for trying to find a little peace. The people that are at the Sunday gathering are a mixed crew but mostly of the light soul nature.
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There is one person that we like to call Truth Talker. This person will speak from her heart before she will speak an untruth. She has been gone a couple of weeks and we got to talking about my eft tapping. I am asking those that I/we feel safe with to help us use eft to overcome our fear of having our abusers and new people near us. She made a comment of being able to stand up for her self and keeping safe boundaries.
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That was when we told her that about 3 years ago that we had been hurt by a group of people at one time and that when they had gotten through with this body that we no longer had any fight left. When we went to the TGC they re-dx us with false memoir syndrome it was at that point that no matter what we said or did we could not find a safe place from those that had hurt us for TGC had supported these people by covering up their actions with this action.
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If it had not been for the light houses that most truly believed this dx but kept those away from us when we were acting so scared. We honestly would not know if we would even have any one to talk to on Sundays. One of our T partners talked to us and we broke down and cried. We have lived in this town for over 10 years and we had no friends to turn to for help. We had those that on certain levels controlled our activities but no one that would sit and talk to us like she was doing at the time. Thanks to those that had learned that they could force us to have sex then clamed that we started it. No one wanted to hear the truth only that which those said to keep others away from us.
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It got weird then for the first time we felt people see us, not the lies that the dark souls told about us. This was not the first time but this was the first time that we had spoken so openly in front of those that had taken pleasure from our pain. We stood there talking knowing that the person was behind us. Yes we felt fear but those in front of us had given us shelter so many times that those within just spoke up. It was hard to tell which of us was in the most shock me for speaking up or the people around us knowing which ones we were talking about.
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This summer we were able to participate in a group activity this was the first time that we had been allowed to do this without being hazed out or out right asked not to come. It was these people that gave us the courage to speak up. But it was also from being tired of being forced to live like an outcast for what my/our abusers did to us yet covered up by the lies that shifted the blame unto us. We did not lie when we said that we have begged for permission to die and not have our son physically hurt because of it. We can not even tell you how many times that we have tried but it failed because someone was there to stop us but not there to stop the dark souls from hurting us because they were respected in the community and there was no way that they would do such a thing. AS tears roll down our face as we write this. Life is heck for those of us that have been raised in early childhood abuse with adult abuse mixed in.
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The hard part for these people to understand us was how a person with DID stored their trauma memoirs. Heck we even had to remind our DID T about that fact. We are taken a short break form her due to the fact that we are sticking to our guns about having a T partner present during seasons and that we are overwhelmed by all the trauma memoirs .
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We told Truth Talker that T was alright it was just hard on us to remember that no one can truly know another’s life unless they have taken similar path. Its not that this T is bad we even told her we were not always this way yes we did endure abuse before but these last 3 years it has been like we were a rock at the bottom of a water fall. We had gotten to a point in our lives that it seemed like the abuse would never end.
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We could not even find peace going to next life. No matter how we tried to get away from those that were abusing us some how they found a way to get to us. No one we trusted would give us safe lodging and after so many times being promised only then left out to be hurt by some else we just stopped caring and believing in what we were told by them. For it finely became clear to us that no matter what we said or did we could not overcome the rumors.
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To many of us this body had become nothing more then a prison. For it is due to our early childhood trauma that has allowed some people around us to control and manipulate us into doing what they want us to do. But also allowed others to preach hatred against us. How can a person win if no one around truly cares enough to listen for the truth?
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We are just so tired in the past there have been times that we felt like we had found a few people that would accept us only to have those that known how to hurt us and make us look bad convince the others to leave us alone. To trust after all this time is so hard. After all the lies and games what is real or it is just another false reason to choice to live a life that is not my own but that which those around us want to live?
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Even with all that is happening we are healing but at time like thise we wonder what is the point if no one will really give us a chance to prove ourselvs without abuse?