Dear Rhiannon,

Thank you for your heart-share. Your words helped me "see" your view from the inside out. I'd like to concentrate on two key words you used: feeling and learning. Do I sense that you set your mind on a direction, perhaps instigated by someone else? And then when you "walk it out," other variables present and you don't know what to do? The confusion feels hurtful to you and overflows onto the others counting on you to follow through? This makes you feel like you've overstepped boundaries? And that you are not being supportive? Did I "hear" your heart-share correctly?

If I "got it," there is one solution helped me: I began taking boundary classes and learned how to negotiate with others by telling where I was coming from, listening to them, and then mapping a course--not set in concrete--but a living, breathing, flexible, re-negotiable course of action. The goal being for both to present our authentic selves, with no one having to split off by pretending to be what we are not.

Are you crazy? That's a difficult diagnosis to make, especially for a lay person. Even a professional diagnosis has to undergo several steps before coming to a care plan solution. I have felt crazy, too, so many times and wanted to dissolve. I was "willing" to make change, but "able" confused me. It took years for me get to the place of presenting my true thoughts, which didn't necessarily go along with the script others had for me.

The boundary classes taught me a respectful way to manage my truth. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia, so I don't "please" her anymore, now that I am an adult. My boundaries hurt her feelings, but my actions in protecting myself do not harm her. Her mental distress makes me sorry for her broken brain chemistry and all the damage done to me; but it has also made me glad I have a brain that is "able" to guide me out of her influence and into healthier places.

If you are a teen, have you studied brain chemistry development? Abstract thinking is not completed till around age 25. A wise parent uses their protective guidance in all stages of lifespan development, but the language and methods change as their child ages. Parents have to learn the "trust and let go" language for equality in adult relationship to develop in continued authenticity. Otherwise, people pretend to be what they are not, which hurts everyone. It's a lifelong learning process for the whole family. Parents have to find their way, too.

I want to give you hope as you learn to what your brain is telling your heart. Honor these thoughts, if you can. This recognition of yourself will help build love instead of hate. Otherwise, you will try to love others from an empty spot in yourself--and that in itself makes a person feel nuts--because the connection feels lopsided. Isn't that great that the brain keeps making us return to the "listening chair."

Empathy for yourself (limits and strengths) gives us "ears" that can "hear others" and overflow authentically as humans able to come alongside. After all, a personal relationship begins with a person. Then another. Authentic presentation offers influence. Others will accept or reject, depending on their authentic presentation. Acceptance of influence connects. Friendship begins. Even in families. To begin early on would be all the better, but most of us don't know how to do it until we hurt and find healing.

Thank you for sharing your need and hearing my heartfelt response. Such a valuable tool we have through e-knowing! The need to connect is powerful...and liberating...as we come to a better understanding from the inside out. May these words find place in your heart which give you hope.