Thank you sittingatwatersedge
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((((((((((((((((((((((purplefins)))))))))))))))))) ))))) a gentle hug for you with head down and eyes closed. You were there too, I see. no safe place. And very conditional love, based on getting it right - and "it" changed, and you weren't always told what it had changed to, but had to try to figure it out, each one's own burden, no matter how small or inexperienced.
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yes, I was there too.
I'm so sorry you experienced similar.
I've always been mindful to stop the cycle with
my family-- it's not been easy and I think I've failed with some things as I was not always aware--but I have tried and been ever learning.
yea, there was no safe place... so I created my own, within self (when I had to be at home) and also away from the home when I could be away.
Having to "try and figure 'it' out" was so difficult, the anxiety would shoot through the roof-- wasn't long before I learned to not even try and stay away from people all together.
I think, at least for me, being the youngest of a large abusive family was way more damaging than if I would have been the oldest... the oldest only had the parents to contend with, but each child after that had the older child/children to also defend against... so by the time number 7 is born.... well... I told T. it was like being in a pack of wolves... T. says it was perhaps worse than being raised by wolves... at least things are consistent with a pack of wolves
and wolves teach their young, no matter what.
fins