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seventyeight · Jul 26, 2010, 04:44 PM

thank you all for your replies. some of you have asked questions and what not, so i thought i'd share something i wrote to a friend recently about 'my bipolar:'

Quote:

I've been dealing with depression since I was a kid, mostly of the seasonal variety. Like clockwork, every winter my teachers would call my parents and ask if there were problems at home, ie divorce, a new baby, etc.

As I got older (teenagerish) the depressive times lasted longer and the good times were fewer and further between.

So I ended up going therapy durning my senior year of highschool, and then started on anti-depressants (Zoloft) like two years later. Well, within 3 weeks of the medication, I was having a full-blown manic episode.. complete with hallucinations, staying awake and not eating for like an entire week, and some other pretty extreme things. I should mention that I had never had a manic episode before.

Needless to say, I got of the meds, and went back to my normal, somewhat depressed self. I was ok again until like two years later I had another manic episode.. and I have more-or-less been on a 2-year cycle of manic episodes ever since. And it still follows a seasonal pattern.. depression all winter and mania either in the spring or summer. I've tried all kinds of mood-stabilizing meds over the years.. depakote, neurontin, lamictal, lithium, usually in combination with an anti-depressent.. celexa, wellbutrin, prozac, etc. I've never found a combo agreed with me.. I always felt totally zoned out, put on a ton of weight, and hated the way I looked and felt. And for me, it boiled down to the fact that I was so used to dealing with the depression, so as long as I wasn't suicidal, I could handle a week or two of mania every two years on my own. I just couldn't see medicating myself for 365 days, just to prevent something for 14 days if that makes any sense.

The bad news: the episodes have gotten a little worse each time, and this is why my family doesn't talk to me any more. Their position is "medication or you're not part of our life." (Plus, they don't like my current therapist for some reason, although they've never met her. It's probably because she uses 'alternative' styles of therapy, but who knows. So, part two of their stipulation is that I see someone that they pick.)

The good news: I've gone 16 months mania-free, and my moods have been pretty level on a daily basis. I haven't hit the 2-year mark, but therapy for the last year (with this new therapist) has been so successful, that I'm much more confident about it than I have been.

So, I'm not sure what more to say about it than that. I don't know if you can tell, but for me, the depression is very managable, but the mania is most certainly not - that's why I emphasize it when describing my bipolar.

anyway, just wanted to answer the few questions and to share a little bit more of my story. thanks again for all of your feedback.