I think it went okay. It probably went well.

I asked what would happen if he were ever angry at me. He said
"I'm not angry"...and I said, well what if you GET angry? He said "I'm not going to get angry" and I was like "WHAT IF YOU DO though??" So, he told me that if was ever angry, we would talk about it, and he would be respectful and adult, and that I wouldn't be punished or shamed.

So, I told him that I was REALLY scared and ashamed to tell him something. We talked about that for a while and he said that maybe we could talk about the shame without talking about the actual event if it was too hard. I knew that wouldn't work for this so I didn't know what to say.

I told him I had crossed one of his boundaries. His expression didn't change at all - he just sat there calmly, listening. I started crying, and said I wish I didn't do it, and that I was so sorry. He said (so gently) that he could tell I was really sorry. I hated that I was crying. But he didn't seem angry.

It was so so so so hard to tell him what I did. I was shaking and I felt like my head was just going to split open. I had the words in my head but I just couldn't SAY them. I finally just did it. I just opened my mouth and told him most of the story of finding his house online and looking at it. Ugh.

He immediately asked me how it felt now that I had told. I asked how HE felt knowing what I did, and he said he wanted to talk about me first. I was embarrassed and crying, and he said "tell me about your tears" but I couldn't. We talked for a long time about how I felt...icky and gross and like I knew too much. Guilty and scared. Ashamed and embarrassed. All of it.

When I was really little I knew too much. WAY too much. I saw and experienced stuff that you're not supposed to see and experience. T said this made him think of that - the icky, gross, scary feeling of knowing too much. I cried some more because he was being so nice, and because he knows me so well, and because I love him.

There is A LOT to process - little kid stuff, "now" stuff. I told him it was all swirling around in my head and it felt overwhelming. I felt SO guilty that he was the one helping me. I told him I needed therapy about my therapy and he laughed.

Anyhow, I asked him to tell me how HE felt. And he said that the first thought he had was "how'd you like the house?". He told me why they're moving, and what area they want to move to. He said he's not angry. I said I was afraid he'd be angry later, and he said he was 98% sure he wouldn't be, and if he was, he would tell me, for sure.

On the way home, I thought about the fact that I hadn't told him how wide open his wife's FB page is. I debated with myself about whether or not to do it (because I hadn't mentioned his wife's FB page in session at all), and I finally called and told him. I'm guessing she just doesn't KNOW, and it feels unsafe to me. Not that it's my business, but oh well. I told him.

I guess those are the highlights. It was a hard session, but T was SO gentle and understanding. I still feel kind of shaken up and uneasy (especially because now maybe he'll be mad that I looked at his wife's FB page, ugh), but I think maybe it's going to be okay. I think so.

I see him tomorrow at 9.