My heart is pounding already because my session is tomorrow and I don't know how to make it productive. My parts are all fighting to have their time with T. Last week we decided that I would do EMDR this week but the issue it's supposed to be about doesn't seem important right now. But I did want to see how I react to watching T's fingers. I felt relaxed after the EMDR session 2 weeks ago. But was that due to the EMDR or the last part of the session where T and I talked about the container? Probably both.

Last week I was a wreck after my session because I was so frustrated about not feeling like I did the week before. T knows this because of the emails. I don't know if it's productive or not to talk about how much I want the comforting, "container connection" type conversation. She knows that I want it. I know that I want it. I can't make T act on demand and say soothing words to me. She may want me to talk to myself that way instead. I'm fighting against doing that and I don't know why.

T is going on vacation and I won't see her next week. I can't leave my session tomorrow feeling awful again. So, maybe EMDR is the best bet. I don't know!! T will have her ideas, I know but I'm the one who has to leave the session and go on with my life.

I sort of feel like I want to talk more about the T- relationship and how confusing it gets for me. How it hurts me so bad. No T ever asked me to email them about a film. It's like we have a real relationship too but there are so many limits. I told her in one of the emails how hard the limits of the t-relationship are for me.

I'm still more open in my emails than I am in the session. Also, when I'm there with her I "have" her so some of that "wanting" feeling goes away. But when I leave I fall apart. I've got to tell her how I feel in the session, and not wait until afterwards. There's so much I want to tell her, but I also want to do the EMDR because it gets me to be freer with my feelings. We need an hour to do EMDR which leaves 1/2 hour first. It's not enough! No wonder I was so frustrated with 50 minutes in my past therapy.

I'm just rambling, trying to decide what I need tomorrow. I know no one can tell me what to do, but any help would be appreciated. Thanks.