I felt the connection w/my T right away at the beginning of my session today. That is always nice, because sometimes you just never know.

We talked about Other Stuff for the first half hour or so, then she said, ok, are you ready? And I kind of frowned but nodded my head. I don't WANT to do it, I hate doing it, but yes...I'm ready. I knew what she meant, and she knew I knew: ready for trauma work. Ready to rip open that pandora's box again, and muck around in there for a bit, and then try to put the lid back on.

She said "start where you want to start" and I just looked at her and said "I don't WANT to start" and we both laughed a little.

Then we spent about a half hour messing around in the past. I tried SO HARD to stay present and not hold my breath or hide behind my hands or just go away in my head. T noticed, she even said, this is the longest that you've been able to tell your story without putting your hands up or checking out!

I did end up hiding behind my hands, a little. Did quite a bit of breath-holding, too, but all in all I feel like I did some good, hard work and we had enough time at the end to get it pretty much contained for another week. I think. So far so good?

All that angst I had over thinking we were going to get to the hardest part of the story today, and we didn't get there anyway. I realized as I was driving home that I am choosing to not spend the week ahead being SURE we will hit it next week, because you just never know. If it's the right time, it will be okay. If it's not the right time, I won't say it.

I just feel good right now. It's nice to get home from therapy and not feel destroyed, sometimes.